The Brewer Blog: February 2010

WARNING: This is a LOOOOONNNGGG one! With LOTS of pictures!

Well, I hardly know where to begin. The last 2 weeks have been a little bit of a blur with nights and days meshing together. I have found myself holding Charlie-Marie next to her bed trying to remember if I had just picked her up to feed her, or if I had just fed her and was putting her to bed. I guess that is the sleep deprivation setting in. Last night I kept dreaming I had put her to bed with me and kept waking up in a real sweat flapping the covers around frantically looking for her in the mess of sheets and blankets and scolding myself out loud “Why would you EVER do that!” (Waking Dan in the process). I also dreamt that I had fed her in bed and I actually woke up, rolled over and reset my alarm for the next feeding. An hour later I hear her fussing, look at my clock and think I just fed her…then realized I actually didn’t and it has been almost 4 hours– it was just a dream. Am I going crazy? Am I not awake enough, I have to have such crazy dreams that wake me up in between?

ANYWAY, besides the crazy effects of exhaustion, we are doing WONDERFULLY!!! Yesterday was Charlie-Marie’s 2 week check-up. She has grown ¼ of an inch AND her weight gain surprised even the doctor. The doctor said that by week 2 they only expect the baby to get back to birth weight (they lose weight after birth) but Charlie passed that last week. Today she weighed 6lb and 10oz. An entire 9 ½ oz gain from birth weight! She is a rock star eater and she gets in and gets it done.

So, on to the birth story, huh? Where to start? I guess I could start from the day after my 39 week pregnancy update. It was a Friday and I was SO sure I would be having my baby by the end of the weekend. I had all the signs that it could start at any moment – which messed with me a little because I just kept waiting and waiting for labor to start. I found myself saying things like, “I just can’t wait until my contractions hurt” – I knew I would regret that! I was so sure I was going to have the baby soon that I called my Mom and got her convinced and so excited that she flew in the very next day (Saturday). As soon as she arrived, my contractions all but stopped. It was like a mean joke. I was really worried my Mom would have to leave before Charlie made her debut. So we did things like go for long walks on the beach, eat delicious food, show off Florida to my Mom, enjoyed her company, bounced on my exercise ball (just hoping to bounce things along), contemplated trying black cohosh tea, introduced my mom to our church members and friends, but most of all loved and enjoyed ME time with my mom. I had so much fun with her there. And after I got over the initial pressure of wanting to get the baby out ASAP I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Looking back at it, everything worked out perfectly and I am so glad things played out the way they did…

Bouncing on my Ball

The Ball inside me!

Homemade pizza

Careful! We don't want a C-section by pizza cutter!

Walking on the Beach

Lunch just off the beach

So, Saturday…Sunday…Monday…Tuesday…Wednesday morning came and went and NOTHING! Every night I went to bed thinking – this is the night! Then on Wednesday I had my doctor’s appointment in which she checked me – no change from the previous week except that I was barely dilated to a 2. I was a little frustrated and it took a lot to hold in the tears. We also got another ultrasound (it was kind of hard to see – I think because she had grown so much and was so cramped). They checked her fluids and the placenta and they were all good. The doctor explained that she didn’t like to go much over the due date so we made the decision to let her strip my membranes and if labor didn’t start on its own by Thursday morning we would be admitted into the hospital where she would then break my water and get labor started. I really didn’t want to do that and I was feeling a little (ok, a lottle) overwhelmed and a little sore from having my membranes stripped and I think I let a few tears leak out. Dan was so great and reassuring and between him and my Mom we came up with some good distractions…

Baytowne Wharf Village

We picked up some fresh shrimp and cooked them up for lunch

After our fun and great food we decided we would go home, take a nap, and then head to the beach for a good walk. I got up from my nap and noticed my contractions were a little different, a little more uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but feel giddy! By 4pm I started recording contractions at ever 4-7 minutes and every hour they seemed to notch up in intensity, but I was still doing laundry and helping my mom sew and do this and that around the house. Finally that night I took a nice bath. From the moment I got out at about 10pm my contractions were coming every 3 minutes and they were stopping me in my tracks and forcing me to breathe through them. Despite the discomfort it was still pretty exciting. We decided we would head to the hospital. We arrived around 11pm and they checked me and I was 5 cm dilated. I was VERY happy about that! They checked us in and it was literally within minutes of getting into our room that the contractions really became painful and I have to admit I got a little scared during a few of them. “What am I DOING?” “Is this really what I wanted?” “Maybe I SHOULD get an epidural” – these were just a few thoughts I quickly tried to dispel as Dan helped me focus and use the skills we had practiced. It is funny though, I didn’t use even half of what I learned or prepared for, but we found what worked for us and I think I was mentally prepared. Dan was amazing. He was so confident in me and just kept reminding me of what I wanted, how I was doing, distracting me, helping me work through each contraction and rest in between. My mother was wonderful as well. I was so glad she got to be there. I can’t say enough what it meant to me to have Dan and my Mom on each side of me, encouraging me on. I had my mom counting out loud during my contractions. I think she was counting for about 4 hours straight. It was funny because sometimes she’d loose count or skip a number when she got really high and I know she probably thought it wasn’t helping, but it really did. And just when she was about to stop I’d chime in for a few numbers – forcing her not to stop. She was a real trooper to do that for me! :O)

As Dan, my mom and I recall the events after being admitted into the room I have discovered that my perception of what happened and how slow or fast it happened was VERY different from what actually happened. Moments went so slow for me, and yet 5 hours flew by! It felt to me that I transitioned very soon after getting into the room and it lasted forever, when really it took a few hours for me to transition and the actual transitioning didn’t last as long as I thought. I was laboring down really well according to the nurses. I on the other hand was just focusing on getting though each contraction. It felt like a really big rope was looped in a circle 8 in my pelvis and someone kept tightening and twisting it behind my sacrum. I was also amazed that I could actually fall asleep between contractions. But sometimes a strong contraction would hit and wake me like a hard slap in the face and I would panic and grab Dan then my bar (I had this bar across my bed that I would kneel and put my forehead on and grab with both hands and sway my hips – it seemed like that was the only way to get through a contraction – I have the pattern of the sheet covering the bar burned into my memory clearer than anything!) being on my back or side were almost unbearable. Every time they came in to check me they made me get on my back and without fail I would have a contraction during the check and I thought I just might die. Those were the moments I lost control, but Dan was there and helped me work through it. I got to a point where I needed some relief. I was in transition and I had multiple contractions coming one on top of the other and it was hard to focus for so long. I finally asked for something to take the edge off so my Mom went out into the hall and my Doctor had just arrived. She came in and checked me and said I was really close and that the IV drugs really won’t help. They just sedate the baby and mess with my mind and make it harder to focus. But she encouraged me that I was almost there and that I was doing really well. I also remembered from my preparation that when you feel like you just can't take it anymore you are just around the corner. She let me labor through 2 more contraction sets then she broke my water (I had a slow leak, but she finished the job to help me over that last edge). THAT REALLY intensified the contractions! I labored just a little more and it seemed that I just wasn’t getting that last bit dilated, but I had an incredible urge to push which I could control until the peak of contractions and I couldn’t help it. So Dr. Graham spent the time during the next two contractions manually dilating me while I was on my back. If I thought I would die before, I knew then that nothing could be more painful and this time I really would die! But somehow I made it through and we were ready to push.

Everything was all set up and ready to go for pushing. We started and I was absolutely and totally amazed that as a contraction came and I pushed – the pain was gone! It was so wonderful to have such relief and to be doing what I felt I needed to, not just fighting the urge. It was great. However, I soon started to panic as I felt an urgency to get her out. I couldn’t tell if my pushes were effective and they gave me an oxygen mask. In this case my nursing knowledge did not help me since I knew they usually do that if the baby’s heart rate has dropped (which it had, but no one told me that the oxygen sent it right back up and they didn’t remove the oxygen or tell me it was helping). I started hyperventilating and feeling very claustrophobic with the mask on. I kept grabbing at it and breathing out outside of it, then breathing the oxygen in then breathing out of the mask. I just kept pushing and I couldn’t tell if anything was happening. Thankfully, I had so much encouragement from Dan, my Mom, the nurses, and my incredible doctor. She was so calm and explained things to me well and let me know how I was doing, she had me reach down and feel the top of Charlie’s head to help me see how close I was. She was also amazing in that she spent the entire pushing phase stretching and massaging the tissue to avoid tearing and an episiotomy – which was a complete success and I am very grateful that she spent that time. My total pushing time of about 30 minutes could have been cut in half if she had cut me, but she knew I didn’t want that and she was willing to be patient and put the work in to have my goals reached. She is an incredible doctor - there at 3 am (not on call). We finally came to the last push. That is where the pain came back like fire, but was also over before I knew it. I watched the doctor lift her out and I was totally amazed to watch a little head, shoulders, body, butt, legs, and feet emerge. HOW DID THAT WORK? HOW WAS SHE IN THERE? I just remember that moment being slow motion. Three blinks and she was out and I was in total amazement! 5:27am.

They laid her on my stomach. I just remember looking at her, rubbing her with the towel (I remember she was actually quite clean), saying something to her, watching Dan cut the cord, then she was whisked away. They said she was stunned. She hadn’t yet opened her eyes or made any noise. I watched Dan and the nurses bustling around the warming bed while Dr. Graham delivered the placenta and cleaned me up. I was sore, but so distracted when I finally heard little Charlie-Marie cry. It was like the world stood still and I couldn’t help but cry too. It was all just so amazing. They finally brought her to me and she was beautiful, wide-eyed, and amazing! Dan and I just stared at her and there was quiet. It was just my family. It was peaceful, beautiful, and I just can’t say it enough – amazing! I was in love with her instantly, and my love for Dan felt stronger than I ever thought possible. My own mother who gave birth to me at my side. I was so overwhelmed with real joy. I’ve been so very happy in my life, but I wonder if this is the first time I felt REAL JOY with my little family. The next few hours were quiet with everyone but me slipping in and out of sleep. I just kept staring at my little baby girl. It is no wonder they call the entire process of having a child the Miracle of Life, because it truly is! I felt so blessed and happy.

It took a long time for the adrenaline to wear off and by the next day I was exhausted and I was sore in places and muscles I never thought possible. Apparently I grabbed and pulled on the bed rails pretty hard – my entire back and arms were sore. I also had a couple of really nasty bruises taking up half of my left forearm from 3 IV attempts and my left hand was swollen from fluid leaking into the tissue (bad IV job - I probably could have done it myself). And I had a strange bruise-like feeling across my forehead and it took me a while to figure out that is where I was pushing my head against the bar during labor. But none of it mattered when I got to hold my little one. I felt so proud of myself. I’d had the delivery and birth I wanted. I did it all myself (well, with the help of Dan and my Mom and doctor). I had accomplished my goal! I felt so good and my recovery has be so fast and easy. But the best feeling of all was feeling so complete with our little girl! God has been so good to bless us with this little angel. I feel closer to Him when I hold her. I thank him daily. I know He helped me through the labor and I feel peace and joy to be blessed with the responsibility of being Charlie-Marie's mother.

Well, that is it for now. We have thoroughly enjoyed Charlie-Marie over the last 2 weeks. Every milestone is an adventure. She is starting to track things with her eyes and it feels like she is actually starting to look at our faces. She has basically figured out breastfeeding and has the weight and diapers to prove it! Definitely the diapers! We are loving our little girl. Although I get my little baby blue moments and cry for a reason or none at all, I am so very, very happy and so greatly blessed. I can’t wait to share more of our little Charlie-Marie.