I know I haven’t blogged in quite some time and this may be a heavy post after such a long break and probably a much different kind of post than I usually write, but over the last week I have been so overwhelmed with a flood of thoughts and realizations that I had to write them down, so here it goes. I don’t know if I am posting this merely as an outlet, or hoping it reaches someone who may need to hear it, or maybe just make us all a little more aware, but I wanted to do this. This will probably be long so I don’t blame you if you don’t read it, but here are some of the thoughts of my heart.
Ever since I was very young I knew that I wanted to be a mother. For as long as I could remember that was my desire. Yes, I wanted to go to school, get my education, live life, and work a little, but I always knew that what I really wanted to do above anything was be a mother. I remember when I was around 10 or 11 driving in the car with my Mom and hearing a radio announcer talking about an interview with Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones in which he had expressed absolutely no desire to ever have children. The announcer went on to joke that he was sure Mick Jagger was a father many times over whether he was aware of it or not. I didn’t understand at the time what that could mean, and didn’t get the joke. What DID stand out to me was that Mick Jagger NEVER wanted to have kids! That was ludicrous to me. I remember looking at my Mom with shock. When she saw my shock she might have thought I was questioning the joke and actually seemed a little relieved when I steered away from the joke right to, “He NEVER wants kids?!?! Why would he never want kids?” I remember my Mom explaining to me that some people don’t want to have children, then on to explain different reasons people might have for not wanting children. All I remember thinking is that none of them REALLY made any sense to me. It was one of the first times in my life realizing that there were people in the world that didn’t want the same things I did in life. Almost 20 years later I have a little more perspective on this conversation and my thoughts, but my desire to be a mother has never changed.
On January 21st, 2010 my longing and waiting was finally over with the birth of our daughter Charlie-Marie. It was one of the greatest moments of my life to hold her for the first time. Since then I have been filled with joy over and over watching her grow and learn and have marveled that the opportunity of being a mother was ever granted to me. Despite having a perfect daughter I knew our family was not complete. I naively thought that pregnancy would happen quickly and on my planned timeline. Then as month after month slipped away and there was one negative pregnancy test after another I started to become discouraged and questioning what was going on. Then one day Dan brought home a pregnancy test and said he thought I was pregnant, I had already taken 2 in the 2 weeks previous and both were negative and I was not excited to be disappointed again, but we were surprised to find the faintest positive result. Everything about this pregnancy has been different from my first, unsure, and even scary at times, full of a LOT of sickness and a LOT of medication and I kept expecting it to not be real. But each time we have gone to the doctor and seen the ultrasound there is definitely a little peanut in there. Our prayers are answered, and we are overjoyed.
Now, I’m not in any way claiming that I know what it is like to truly face infertility, but I had a few moments during my waiting that allowed me to glimpse and have my eyes and heart opened to others experiences. As time went on while waiting to become pregnant I read the happy status update of a friend on Facebook announcing that she was expecting twin girls. The thoughts and emotions that followed that split second after reading the announcement shocked and scared me. My first reaction was, if I’m being totally honest, raw jealousy. That jealousy was immediately replaced by shock that I’d had such a “bad” reaction. That shock was replaced by guilt that I was actually feeling jealous. Then the guilt turned into sadness that the announcement wasn’t mine. Then back to a little twinge of jealousy that she gets to have TWO, even though I’m not sure I even truly wanted two at once! Then I was back to guilt that I was so selfish and not rejoicing in my friend’s happy news and more guilt that I already had a beautiful daughter when many may have none. Then slowly I came around to realizing that I WAS indeed truly happy for my friend, but I had to accept that my desire to have another child was very strong and real and a little separate from HER (if that even makes sense). It made me realize what some of my dear friends go through often. Over the last year I have had a few friends tragically loose a long awaited and very wanted pregnancy that has really affected me, I have other family and friends facing infertility and the possibility of never being able to bear their own children, others wading through the process and waiting for their turn to adopt a child, and others that are looking for that special partner to share the desired experience with. In all of these friends the desire to be a mother is strong and runs deep. And it should.
This last weekend we had General Conference for my church in which the leaders of the church including our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, and apostles speak to us as a church, as a people, as a world. It is a special time filled with inspiration and guidance. One talk in particular stood out to me; a talk given by Elder Neil L. Anderson on bearing and raising children. When he first started speaking my heart hurt a little for my family and friends that are currently denied the opportunity and blessings of motherhood, while also listening to the beautiful truths spoken. He spoke of the importance and challenges of raising children in this day and how it is fulfilling Heavenly Father’s plan. Then he shared these words,
“The bearing of children is a sensitive subject that can be very painful especially for righteous women who do not have the opportunity to marry and have a family. To you noble women, our Heavenly Father knows your prayers and desires.”
“The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who planned on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family.”
“We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded.”
It doesn’t always seem fair when the very thing we long for is what God wants us to do. As long as the righteous desire to fulfill God’s command to raise children exists in us, the longing will always be there. BUT there is also promised peace as we seek the spirit in our lives. There are promises that this righteous desire WILL be granted in the Lord’s time whether in this life or the next. I’m never quite sure how I feel about the promise in the next life, Sometimes I feel it isn’t fair, that one might be jipped in this life. That is when my faith has to kick in. There are a few things I do know. I know God is my Heavenly Father and I know that he loves each of us more than we can comprehend. I know he wants the VERY best for us and has incredible blessings waiting for us as we turn to him. So then I must be faithful that his promises are sure and will bring the same joy if not more in the next life as it does now. I also know that our Savior Jesus Christ suffered all and endured every pain, trial, and sin any of us would ever face. So if there is anyone that understands our heartaches, it is our Savior.
Thinking often of motherhood, infertility, and more related to these topics my thoughts have also led to the topic of adoption. Adoption is a beautiful thing. One of the greatest acts of love performed in this life, I feel. Though I have not experienced it personally, my thoughts over the last year have often turned to what it must be like to be looking at adoption. There is, I am sure, a lot to face when it comes to adoption. Adoption is not always a result of infertility, but when it is I expect there is some degree of mourning for the lost opportunity of bearing one’s own child, and then there is probably an acceptance period of accepting that you will raise a child that may not look like you. Or accepting of fears and questions such as will I be able to love this child? Will my family and others? Will people celebrate with me or will people feel sorry for me? I have to believe these are real thoughts and emotions and probably I am only scratching the surface of what is involved.
My sweet sister-in-law has adopted 2 beautiful boys. My nephews could not be anymore her’s or our family’s than if she gave birth to them herself. It truly is a miracle and proves how many barriers love can break down when embraced. It has been the most joyful experience to witness and from what I have heard from my sister is that it was the most inspired, joyful, challenging, and perfect decision they ever made.
Dan and I had discussed the possibility of adoption several times through our marriage. I believed it was something I could do, but wondered if it was something I would ever do. Before we had Charlie I was called to serve at church working with the little ones in nursery ages 18 months to 3 years. It was a wonderful and challenging calling and one that often left me wondering if I could actually make it as a mother. One day in the nursery a little girl began crying, when I went to comfort her she wrapped her little arms around my neck with the most innocent and sincere embrace and at that moment I knew I could be a mother, and should I choose I could adopt it would be the most beautiful and complete experience. I know it may sound silly that a little child’s hug could communicate ALL of that to me, but it did, and it was a revelation again to me of the strength of love and as we fulfill God’s commandment to raise children He will make our families whole and complete, and the Lord will help us be and do what we cannot on our own.
It is my greatest desire, that anyone who wants to have the opportunity to experience the joys of motherhood will be blessed with that desire. I pray for it daily. I don’t know in what form it will come or when, but that is my prayer for others. It wasn’t anything I put too much thought into until this last year, but I am grateful for my eye-opening experiences.
I’m sure this blog has been and will be the source of an occasional sting to some who are struggling as we celebrate the lives of our children, it cannot be helped. My parents call it the right to the first reaction. We cannot always help our immediate response to something, but it is what we do after that first reaction and what we do with it that makes the difference to making a miserable situation or seeking peace and contentment. But I hope that sting can be replaced or at least soothed by hope, peace, and faith that is continually tested and strengthened. Life can be hard and sometimes it takes work to find Joy in our journey, but I know all the bitterness will make the sweet all the sweeter when it is obtained.
