Wow! I can't believe it has already been 2 months since Charlie-Marie was born. I think I am still stuck in January. Anytime I have to remember the date I want to say it is January and am blown away to remember it is nearly the end of March! My little baby girl has been growing so much! Today was her 2 month check-up and she weighed 9lbs 3.5oz (10th percentile), head circumference measured 37cm (5-10 percentile), and her height measured 21 3/4 inches (which is actually in the 20th percentile - amazing for a Bulson/Brewer!). She also got her first immunizations today. She did quite well. She only cried out with a mad/hurt cry when the shots were actually being given. Then I nursed her as soon as they were done and she was quite calm. I did quite well too. The only time I felt like I might cry was as I put her in her car seat she gave a little puppy whimper and had the biggest rolled-out-bottom-lip-frown-thing. She had this look like, "How could you do this to me?" (I'm sure that was all in my head though) She fell right to sleep in the car ride home and slept for the next 2 1/2 hours. I did end up giving her some baby tylenol when she woke up because she just didn't seem her normal hungry self. Hungry, yes. Her normal hungry, no. Does that even make sense? I just knew she needed it.
I have loved watching her grow and change. Watching her go from not really looking at anything to following objects and looking into our faces. Watching her grow into an expressive face that changes almost daily. She now can raise her eyebrows and all kinds of things with her nose mouth and eyes she couldn't before. And oh that smile! I LOVE it! Her arms, hands, and fingers have lost some of their out-of-control reflexes/movements and have become slightly more controlled - she can now keep her hands near her mouth if she wants to but still rarely figures out how to keep the fingers in her mouth. She is getting closer. She is able to pull her head up quite well when she is on her tummy or on our shoulders.
As for me in the last 2 months I have been able to fit back into my pre-baby pants (although they are MUCH snugger than before), and I have been riding the breastfeeding roller-coaster. It seems like every time I think I have it figured out I get a little surprise. Everything from blocked milk ducts, to a touch of mastitis, to pain, to figuring out clothing issues, feeding in public, routines that routinely change, Charlie-Marie's preferences, and much more. I do believe breastfeeding is natural, but anyone who says it comes naturally to mother and child is just CRAZY! I can definitely see why many stop, either by choice or no choice of their own, but their body's, and resort to bottles and formula. Fortunately, I have been blessed with good milk, supply, and patience.
I think I have worn all my make-up a total of 2 days in the last 2 months (versus just my concealer and mascara) and typically wear the same 3-4 outfits all the time sometimes because I don't have time or because I just don't have the motivation. It just seems like so much work sometimes to not look like a zombie with dark circles under my eyes, but I am trying. Charlie-Marie is starting to help out by sleeping a little bit more at nights now (2 nights ago she slept 6 hours straight! MIRACLE! Unfortunately I only got 4 - but that is still a record for me), and being a little more content to sit and look at something for a little while.
The only truly negative thing in the last 2 months has been the nightmares. You would think if you were only sleeping a few hours at a time there wouldn't be time to have nightmares, but there is! Awful and very real ones too! Usually they involve some version of someone taking Charlie from me and I try to chase them, but my arms and legs feel like cement and when I shout it only comes out as a whisper. It is the worst feeling in the world to be so helpless. Sometimes my dreams have disturbed me so much I WILL the outcomes to change, but the feeling stays the same. Luckily after a blessing from Dan I have had very few lately. The dreams have trickled down to my real life, however. Any stranger, someone new, or walking past someone on our walks I assume they are after my baby. In my mind it is perfectly logical - she is perfect, beautiful, why wouldn't anyone take her. As a result, I cross streets, hold her close, don't smile, or don't let her out of my sight for a moment. Even when she naps safe at home I consistently check on her. I am working on this paranoia, but for now I happen to like holding her and keeping her close.
Dan has been absolutely amazing! He is a wonderful partner in parenthood and is a great father. He pretty much does all the cooking and cleaning and even tries to do the diapers when he is home. His new schedule of 12 hour days, but only 15 work days a months is AWESOME! I never have to get through more than 3 days without him and we get full days together which has been so helpful and fun. Plus, he gets to see more of Charlie-Marie's development. I love him so much! He is so patient with me and when he tells me I am doing a good job or says he is proud of me it makes me feel so good. He loves his little girl and I love him even more for that!
Well, I have loved being Charlie's mom so far and sometimes when I look at her I am just so filled with an incredible love. I don't know if she will ever know how much I lover her. I think I have a much better appreciation for the love my parents must have and do feel for me. Also, I am grateful because I feel like I have been blessed with a very small glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves each of us with a perfect love. It is incredible!
For the first few months of Charlie's life the techniques of "The Happiest baby on the Block" worked miracles and I would recommend it to ANYONE! The idea of the 5 S's (swaddle, side/stomach position, shooshing, sucking (pacifier), swaying -more like a jiggle) worked so well for us to soothe and put Charlie-Marie to sleep. She even started sleeping longer (up to 7 hours) at night. Slowly (around 2 months) it started to take longer for it to work and sometimes took several tries to put her down to sleep. The last time the full technique worked for us was on her 3 month mark on the flight home from Washington (thank goodness it worked there!). That night she would NOT be put to sleep. She refused her pacifier (and has never taken it again since - I guess that makes weaning easy, but I don't think I was ready for it!) I spent hours trying to calm her and I tried EVERYTHING! Over the next few days everything started spiraling out of control as she fought sleep but was exhausted. She stopped eating well because she would fall asleep nursing, but wake up when I tried to put her down just to fall back asleep when I tried to feed her again. She became less content when awake and fussy most of the time. She was beyond exhausted, but would not be soothed until she crashed out of pure exhaustion and even then she would not stay asleep long. She started going from waking 1-2 times a night to 3-4 times a night. To make matters worse, Dan was out of town for a few days and it was just me and the babe. We found something that worked while he was gone. Not great, but it was survival. I would just nurse her and nurse her until she fell asleep and was as limp as a rag doll, then VERY carefully put her in bed. It felt like I was sitting in the chair and nursing ALL day and night. Finally, I realized it was time for something to change, my baby wasn't getting the precious sleep she needed and it was showing in her temperament, routine, and development! I wasn't brave enough to do it on my own, but after advice from family and friends and when Dan came home we were ready to try Sleep Training. I didn't think I would have any problem letting her cry, but it was SO much harder than I thought it would be! Part of what made it so hard was just knowing that I couldn't soothe my baby anymore. She had grown out of it and needed to learn to soother herself. 
I got a lot of advice from family and friends and read the recommended books "Baby Wise" and "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" and though I didn't agree with EVERYTHING, I loved most of what it said and I realized what I needed to do for my baby. Dan and I made a plan and fed Charlie, not letting her sleep so we knew she wasn't hungry. It took a lot of rubbing, talking, arm pumping, and more to keep her up and eating, but we managed to get her to take enough that I felt comfortable letting her cry to sleep. We sang her a song, put on the rain sound machine, put her down and left the room. I immediately started crying as we shut the door and she was starting to wail. It was so hard. I knew I had to do it, but I felt so helpless, incompetent, not confident, and just plain awful. Dan coaxed me to get out into the backyard to work on the garden, which acutally helped, but I spent most of the time crying or on the verge of it. I had the monitor on silent, but you could see the little red bars light up every time she cried. Every 10 mintues we would go back into the room and try to soothe her. We went in 4 times and then suddenly it was quiet...she was asleep. It was amazing! Then next time it took 40 minutes. The next few times it took 20 minutes, then 10, then 7, then 3, then this morning she never even cried, just one or two whimpers and she was out. Sometimes afternoons are still hard (like today), but she is definitely doing better. She isn't sleeping long at nights, but she is slowly working back up to it. She is definitely more rested and eating better and is much more content and happy when she is awake. It was so hard, and I'm sure it isn't done yet, but I am so happy my happy baby is back! 
